Married But Still Single

Peters Precious Oshone

Before we get married, there are several moments when we fantasize living happily ever after with our future sweetheart. We are tired of the lonely nights; especially those of us that skip the ‘early marriage’ season. We get engulfed by the euphoria of living our dreams with the one we love, until the day we meet that special person and finally say ‘I do’. Then the real drama starts. Many of us realize that we aren’t going to be as happy as we were told we would. We become even more lonely than even a single person because all our friends assume we would appreciate the distance. And worse still, we try to explain to our spouse but it ends up in quarrels, fights and leaves us miserable and tired of everyday. And we keep asking ourselves, “How did this happen? How did we ever get to this point in our marriage?

Well, the answer is pretty simple; life happened. The fairy tales and moonlight love stories we were told while growing up haven’t turned out to be such a reality. And some of us wish we had remained single and happy rather than die slowly in loneliness with no where to turn to. Well, if you see someone else, its called adultery and if you remain in your present state, you are miserable. You know, many divorces that happen didn’t just happen suddenly. It takes time to get frustrated in a marriage and loneliness is one major cause of frustration.

But there are several reasons that one or both spouses could feel lonely or neglected by their spouse. One of such reasons is the fact that very many of us are desperate to get married at a particular time that we forget to build friendship before marriage. We don’t marry our friend. We get married to a semi-stranger and get annoyed at the several things we find out about our partner that we don’t really like. Some of us are wise enough to live with the things we can’t change while others get irritated and start keeping their distance. This is a one-way ticket to loneliness for one or both spouses.

Another reason could be lack of understanding and patience and even proper communication between spouses. When these three are lacking, a job, business, schooling or some other occupation could easily create a lonely setting for the two. Letting friends of the opposite sex get too close, spending less time with your partner and prioritizing one’s ambitions over family goals could very well pave a way for loneliness while married.

preshy-daintiesBut there is a way out of it all. To all the singles out there, the first step to overcoming marital loneliness is not to sit around waiting for someone to come fill in the lonely void. Trust me, you might end up very disappointed. Instead, channel your energies and emotions into personal talents and other productive things. Don’t wait for someone to complete you. Instead, be a complete person for your future partner. When we get married, priorities change; lonely nights might become tired nights and the routine of life could overtake you.

Dear married folks, texting or chatting endlessly with friends of the opposite sex instead of your spouse, is a good way to leave your spouse in lonely mode. Its not a crime to text or chat with friends. But when the time spent with others is way beyond the quality time you manage to spend with your spouse, then you must be going out of line. Include your spouse on the chat list if possible and encourage them to do so too. And for the ‘neglected’ spouse, wallowing in self pity would not solve issues. Take initiative. Reach out where you can or find someone to counsel you both if reaching is not working. Don’t wait till things deteriorate before taking steps to saving your marriage. Don’t wait till you start finding yourself in the company of someone who is not your spouse before you find your way back. Deal with that loneliness now.

Another thing to remember is that your spouse is not responsible for your happiness or sadness. Each of you had a life before marriage. Many wish they remained free as a bird even while married because marriage comes with several responsibilities. So, don’t wear out your spouse by being emotionally dependent or nagging. Learn to fill the void by enjoying your hobbies on your own. If your spouse really loves you, they would come around and be there for you at their own time and you both can enjoy every precious moment together.

One thing that pushes a couple away from each other, is when the complain or criticism gets too much. It breeds hostility and doesn’t help to improve the lonely situation. So quit complaining and start finding a place on your heart to understand your spouse and why they do what they do. Then it would be easier to find a hobby to distract yourself until your spouse is ready for you. But please that hobby does not include spending unusual time communicating or being around someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

Nothing is this world is more important than the love between you and your spouse. Certainly not your career and your business. Neither should it be your extended family or friends. Even your children should not come between you two. Its very easy to stay together and still be lonely and apart. And it takes two cautious people to have a blissful home.

Every marriage has its own fair share of down times. Just the way humans have mood swings. If you genuinely feel lonely and neglected in your marriage, yet you know your spouse still loves you, give it time; your marriage is just going through a down time. Cheers!


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